the repatriation of onebluegreen


PIP and no drama

Last week I was put on a P1P (a performance plan) which means I didn't meet the production standard for the 90 day probationary period. The good news is I met the quality standard. So, I have 90 more days to meet the standard or I can be demoted. Or even fired. I would think fired would be unlikely but it is possible.

When I get too stressed about work I think about E the female cubemate directly across from me who was also put on a PIP. E (who was a great Prince a few Halloween's ago) is going through so much more stress than I am. Last June while we were in training in Bmore last summer her husband stubbed his toe. Not a big deal except he has d1abetes me11itus. He didn't see his doctor, the toe injury didn't heal, and in October when we were getting to take our GS 12 tests (more about that later) he had to have his toe amputated. Since then he has had five more surgeries and is having another one next week. So in addition to work stress, being a caretaker, and dealing with her husband's degenerating condition E has a daughter in high school who has had complaints of headaches and dizziness for almost a year.

I am experiencing stress but when it starts to blow out of proportion I think of E. The bad part of being on the PIP is even though I am only a GS 10 I passed the GS 12 test that is required for my new job. HOWEVER, b/c I am on a PIP I will not become a GS 11 next week (the regularly scheduled time) because of the PIP. I won't get a step increase either. At my meeting with the two HR people and my coach I was informed I could come off the PIP early. When I asked how early High Strung, my coach, said Long Hair with Bangs (her boss) said if you are meeting the standard you could go off March 31.

Wow Wee.

March 31 is six days early. And the reason why Long Hair With Bangs chose that date is because on April 1 our trainee team's production standard doubles.

So I have screwed up getting my 11 for two and a half months which could affect future promotions (and certainly affects when I would get my GS 12 in this job). I also can't work overtime until I am off the PIP. No raise, no step, no overtime hurts because I imagine my heating bill is going to be a bit high this winter due to the extreme cold weather.

The upside is: (1) I have a job; (2) I will eventually get a raise; (3) my production slate has been wiped clean so I should be able to make the standard because it is much easier to start fresh than to dig yourself out of a statistical hole; (4) this is a good chance to think about my choices.

Why has my promotion been hard? In part, because I started dating the CPA shortly after I promoted. I have been sleep deprived for most of our relationship. It is my fault for not saying if I can't see you before 8:30-10:00 pm on a work night then I can't see you. It is my fault for continuing to stick out our up and down relationship.

That brings me to the CPA. Things are been pretty good. He has been considerate. He has been getting to my house earlier. We have been going to bed at a reasonable hour. He asked what he could do to help me get through the PIP. Just be normal. He agreed. He said I didn't need any drama. That my entire focus should be on work.

After staying at my house for a couple of weeks he decided to spend last Thursday night at his parents' house. We talked briefly on the phone. He said he would call me back that night. No call although he did answer my call the next day during lunch time. That afternoon we talked. He said he was going to spend Friday night with his parents & kids. He would call me back later. No call. Saturday he called me around lunch time. Said he was going to come to my house after the library. He didn't come. He didn't call until 6ish. I was cooking dinner. He said he would be over in about a half hour. It took an hour and a half but that was ok. We had a nice dinner, we watched a couple episodes of Burn N0t1ce on DVD, and we went to bed relatively early. The next morning before he left for church and I left for my Dad's early bday party we made plans to see each that afternoon. He didn't show up. He hasn't answered or returned my really nice phone calls (honestly, there were nice).

I have a theory or two as to what is going on. (I was in my underwear when he left. He made a comment about it. I said I was checking to see if there was a construction worker outside who could help me out. -- He said Thanks for that. I said it was joke told in response to the story he'd told me that morning about his secretary from a few years ago offered herself to him as a job perk. He turned her down because she worked for him. We also had a general conversation about sex and work.

It is possible that my joke miffed him. When he is miffed he gives the cold shoulder. He doesn't think of it that way but that is the result.

Or it might not have anything to do with my joke. It is likely that whatever his justification is it involves the thought that I need to focus on my work and I don't really have time for him. We've had similar issues before where he thinks I am doing my own thing and don't have time but that thought is based on a faulty assumption.

I am writing this here, in part, to keep my fingers and mind busy. Otherwise, I would be tempted to call him. I've managed to not call today and I don't want to break down and call. Not tonight and probably not ever. I know if I keep calling eventually he'll answer (his almost ex knows it too -- one weekend she called 60 times. That sounds excessive but in all fairness to her he disappeared for four or five days without letting her know he was going to be gone. His disappearance took place when he was in the middle of getting his stuff out of her house which was supposed to be done months ago. This was around Thanksgiving and he took his unplanned trip to Mexico because he needed a break and b/c he got miffed when I told him on a Thursday that that coming Saturday I was going to take an audio workshop in Durham. My impromptu workshop, eating dinner with my yoga teacher that night, and not answering the phone during that dinner somehow translated to me blowing him off all weekend. So when I returned his call after I'd eaten dinner he didn't answer. He didn't answer later that night. He didn't call me during his three hour trip to the airport. He didn't call or email me while he was in Mexico. he didn't call me on the three hour drive back or the next day when he drove by my neighborhood on his way to and from the Y. He did finally answer the phone late in the afternoon the next day. He told me about his trip to Mexico. His almost ex never did learn why or where he disappeared. His parents (who he lives with when he is not at my house) know he went out of town but have no idea it was really out of country. His lawyer knows because his almost ex called to find out if the CPA had scheduled the dispositions so CPA told his lawyer why he was out of touch.)

When I write out something like that it is so clear that I shouldn't call the CPA. Eventually I will need to get my keys back but only when I can do it without continuing to date him. But wow, he must be really good because I know I would be tempted. Tempted to drop it and just move forward. This is not the kind of relationship I want to be in. It might have periods of normalcy but it won't last. It doesn't matter that he likes to do yoga with me. Or that we are so attracted to each other that we have mind blowing, earth shattering intimacy without leaving missionary position (It is a weird weird thing that we both laugh about. We know how to do other stuff but there seems to be no reason. I am not sure if we could even take it if it was any better). it isn't just about the sex. When we are at my house we have fun together. We enjoy being together.

Anyway. I will probably be blogging more. Writing when I know someone might read is a good reminder to my psyche. I can selectively tell my friends what is going on (and tell my family nothing at all) but I should tell myself the whole truth. And somehow that is easier to do here than in my paper journal. Paper journals are repositories for obsessions, bad habits and whining. Paper journals are great places to vent. Online journals are also good places to vent to but in a more limited way. I am much more aware of my patterns when I write here. It is somehow different.

5:25 p.m. - 2010-01-12


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