the repatriation of onebluegreen
the surfer CPA and other relationship thoughts
Last week I completed my performance plan. I haven't had my end-of-the-year evaluation yet but my production is fully successful and my quality if exceptional. While I was on the plan I felt a lot of pressure so it is relief to be off. Also, I like my coach, which helps.
Six and I emailed a couple of times. He said he was going to call but he hasn't yet. I hope he does call but I understand also why he might not. Whatever happens it was great to be in contact with him and to be in contact with that person I was in second, third and fourth grade.
Last week I had a CPA relapse. It was great. I don't mean to gross anyone out but physically we are so well connected that we barely have to move. It is curious and amazing but afterward we went downtown to get something to eat and I find I don't necessarily find it interesting to be out with him. I am not sure why. We haven't spent a lot of time out so maybe that is part of it. I enjoy him much more when we hang out at my house or even talk on the phone. I also realized that I honestly cannot see myself in a relationship with him. He is charming and smart and he can be incredibly tender but he is also very self-centered or at least unaware or unaware of how his actions impact others. There are things he cares about and can feel horrible about but they are still from his perspective and not based on what the other person (me, his kids, his parents, etc) might actually feel.
Last week when I saw him he'd just gotten back from a two week trip to CA. He'd flown out to see his son who has since deployed (his son was also on a tv program about mar1ne sc0ut sn1ppers). CPA saw him some and met his son's fiance but a lot of time he was tooling around the Coast learning to surf. Last week when I saw him he looked like a striking surfer. He really looked 35 (the age he claims he is when he is really 54 or 55). He was slightly tanned, his curly hair was blonde and he was in even better shape than he was when he left. He looked like an underwear model. I am serious. Well, except he doesn't have six pack abs (much to his annoyance) but still he looked like an underwear model.
Anyway, I have finally and truly reached some sort of peace. I will see him again (in the next couple of weeks) or I won't. The same thing for talking to him. He cares for me, I care for him but our relationship is what it is. Meanwhile, he is focused on liquidating everything he owns so he can move to CA and this week I start applying for jobs again in DC. If I ever wanted to see him in CA he would welcome me with open arms. I would let him come to see me but I would be aware that he very well could be Kat0 Kae1in.
In many ways CPA is a combination of a couple of men from my life. The immediate chemical/physical connection is like the ex. The details are very different but the attraction and greatness of it is the same end results. I have had that attraction with others but not the same end results. Or good end results but it lacked that amazing attraction. Like the ex, CPA isn't adept at practicing empathy. They are also both crazy frugal -- but in very different ways -- and they are collectors, bordering on hoarders of stuff. They are both psychically active although CPA does it for fitness first and fun second whereas the ex was only about fun (baseball, hiking only to places where there is a good view, jugg1ing as a living) and wouldn't work out if his life depended on it.
CPA and the ex are very different but there are enough things in common that I have called CPA "ex" by mistake.
Even more than than the ex is the way CPA and my Dad are alike -- which is strange because the ex and Dad were not alike other than tightness with money. The superficial ways they are alike are love of bargains but really a love of the sale and a love of bartering, hiding of silly stuff for no reason (Dad hides having fun, the amount of money he has, etc -- CPA will hide anything for no particular reason other than the less anyone knows about you the better off you are. His secretness had a basis when he was growing up because his Dad's career was very public combined with the fact his family is super conservative and he drinks, got divorced and has had post marriage fornication).
I have thought about the similarities and difference between the CPA and my other romantic partners as well as relationships in general. I been trying to figure out if there is a pattern. The men I've dated do not fit into a particular type. I think they are pretty different from one another. R is not like CPA and neither one of them are like NC. One can be intellectual and condescending (NC) while another might be almost anti intellectual (pants). One is refined and extravagant but glass half empty (R).
Today I was looking an article I found online about symbols and how our relationships mirror something that is going on inside of us. I've read the idea before and this particular page I read months ago but today I realized a link -- all of the people I have dated are irresistibly drawn to me but then they become emotionally unavailable. Sometimes because there is another person (R and perhaps even CPA -- he is always chasing something) but sometimes the other is an idea. This analogy doesn't work cleanly with the ex but my efforts to make something work that isn't working never changes. It is unfailing. My boundaries are watery.
This is the short article that made me see the link.
10:10 p.m. - 2010-10-18