the repatriation of onebluegreen


the me who hammed for photos

This week I have been to yoga three times; Saturday morning will be my fourth.

Last week I had decided to commit myself to being healthier. To getting back in shape. To lose the thirty pounds I have gained in the last few years. There have been three times in my life when I was skinny: the summer before college before my gallbladder was removed; my third year of law school when I took dance four times a week (three beginner ballet classes and a tap class); and the year I worked as a bartender which was after my return from my second trip to Italy (which was also the six month before I left my ex and the year that followed).

Losing weight via disease was certainly easy but the fatigue, pain in my ribs and back, vomiting, and surgery are not experiences I wish to replicate. The other two times boil down to me getting exercise several times a week through an activity that I enjoy. They were also basically happy time periods in my life. Sure, my third year of law school I was graduating from law school, had no idea what I was going to do, I was in a relationship with someone I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with or after my return from Italy I felt an intense desire to change, was unhappy with my relationship, and didn't know what I was going to do with my life. But these periods of change were also happy. And the exercise, ballet and working at Sa1t0ri's, was something I enjoyed, provided focus, and consumed a lot of time.

After law school I looked for another adult beginner ballet class but I never found a true beginner class. Not like I had in Lexington. The difference was the director of that school had been an adult beginner herself at one time so she understood how to structure the class for people like me who'd had only a year of dance when I was younger.

So, last week I decided that yoga from the downtown studio was the answer. Part of motivation stems from Chicago's upcoming wedding. I want to enjoy it rather than having mixed feelings that comes from dreading and avoiding cameras (and from hating the few photos that are taken).

I don't have body dysmorphia although I know my view of my body is skewed. One thing I appreciate about The CPA is how attracted he is to me. He thinks I am sexy. He thinks I have an ideal feminine physique; the perfect Victorian body although I know what he means is Oda1isque. He is also impressed by how much muscle tone I maintain even though I rarely workout.

Somehow having someone who is in such great shape having such a positive view of my body has been inspiring. I know it may sound odd but it has. Anyway, I had decided that I would develop a yoga practice because it would help me become more flexible (I have never been able to touch my toes), I am strong bulky and yoga will help me become longer and leaner. I also want to have a healthy way to deal with stress. The downtown yoga studio is a pretty space with hardwood floors and big windows (the kind of space I would live in).

Right after I made my decision a friend from law school posted a few photos taken after graduation at a goodbye breakfast for friends who were moving to the West Coast. This is what I looked like after nine months of taking ballet. good-bye pose (the rest of the album is on my flickr). I am healthy, happy, and not camera-shy. That is the me, albeit almost 20 years older, I intend to be.

Perhaps this seems shallow but I am pretty sure I have collected excess weight the way I have collected excess paper and other junk I don't need.

9:26 p.m. - 2009-08-14


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